Meal of Stones

Cold Feet

2011-12-25T23:30:00.001-05:00

Not a metaphor for anything, it's just that my feet are actually very cold right now...

My family may not be Christian, but we have friends that are, so I am now the proud owner of:
A pair of glow-in-the-dark snowmen boxers. No you may not see me in them.
A giant angry bird plush, which I get to throw at people until someone takes it away from me.
Argyle Socks! Ahhhhh, I love argyle.

I understand that my cold feet may be linked to my bare feet, but I'm too lazy to go find my new socks and apply them.
Socks - Apply generously to feet.

It is Hannukah though, which means latkes! (Potato Pancakes. They're like awesome round hash browns.)

People have so many hangups...
Last night, I spent a good deal of time talking a good friend of mine through a rough spot. Today I read a tumblr post about how another one of my friends is still stuck on their old ex. I wonder what my biggest hangups are?

I think I like people too much, too quickly, too easily, and for far too long. I've realized that all of the people I pulled closest to me in high school were either guys, taken, or someone I was interested. Is that selfish of me?
Note. I'm basically trying to get away with posting about the exact same thing as yesterday. I just haven't really had any reason to stop thinking about it.
It's weird to look at things like my Tumblr crushes and count how many of them were once just that in real life. It's also weird to think that my school has ten times the number of people, and I still haven't run into anyone new that I'm fascinated with.

I think it's actually the fact that the school is so large that makes it harder. I'm surrounded by so many people, how can I be expected to fall for someone when I'm trying to take everyone in.

I'm sorry, I should stop complaining about the same things over and over again - I'm turning into a broken record.

Oh, I did manage to do something productive this break - my main portfolio is back in shape and ready for people to enjoy. I'm sorry there are repeats in subject matter, I just really like the shoot I did with the cranberries...
Any thoughts? Criticism and new ideas are welcome.

Merry

2011-12-24T23:38:00.001-05:00

I'd imagine most of you are either asleep waiting for the big red-and-green, or awake waiting to catch santa sneaking into your living rooms, but it's just another night of Hannukah for me, so of course I'm up posting.

Of course, I wrote that first sentence and then I stared at it for half an hour...

Last year I ranted for a good while on how I can't stand the whole commercialization of the holiday season, but I'm not in the mood for soap-boxing tonight.

I think one thing that's fascinating to me is that I've held on to a lot of the old attractions I had in High School. I mean, I haven't really made any progress in a romantic sense at college. So, when I come back and I'm visiting everyone, I remember all the girls I used to be interested in.
I think it's because my brain is too lazy. It doesn't want to bother forging new connections when it can hold on to old ones like a five-year-old holds on to a toy they get for christmas.
On the other hand, it makes it a little frustrating to visit all your old friends, sometimes.

I think it's a little odd that right now I haven't found anyone that I'm extremely attracted to on anything more than an 'oh-hey-you're-hot' level. Then again, I've only been in college for 5 months now, and I knew most of my friends in high school for almost 5 years. Maybe I just have to be patient.

Still, there's a sense of accomplishment in unrequited love, even if it does taste a little metallic.
I think I'm also worried that I'm focusing too much on schoolwork to be social, but I think it's also a small sacrifice I have to make, in the end.

I don't fear the darkness.

2011-12-20T21:36:00.003-05:00

I had to go to a funeral today.
The thing is, and this may make some people upset with me, death doesn't seem that massively painful to me.
I mean, yes, someone you care deeply about is now gone, and I get that it can hurt, but I don't want people to be upset when I die. Is that a weird thing to want?
When I die, I don't want pointless platitudes about how I'm "in a better place". No I'm not. I'm dead! My body is about to get dropped into the ground. I'd rather people remember me for the great things I've accomplished than hope that I've ended up in some fluffy happy land living forever with a bunch people all going "I told you so...".
And I've argued this over and over again - When people die, they just stop existing. That doesn't erase our memories of them (Rory Williams is the exception). The only way we can ever truly let our loved one's die is if we stop remembering them. (And in some very small cases, they still come back as Romans)
So I don't want to be mourned with tears and weeping and senseless platitudes. I want to be remembered.

Also, I don't want to be buried. It has a sort of finality to it - a finality that I don't really appreciate. There's a really cool burial process called Promession. Basically they shatter you down to base carbons, and then you can be scattered to the winds without environmental impact or planted underneath a sapling or something else with a much greater "circle of life" sense to it.

Naaaaaants ingonyama, bagithi Baba

Sithi uhm ingonyama

I'd much rather die and turn into a symbol rather than die and end up in some plot in the ground. Because, in the end, the thing I'm most terrified of is that I'll be forgotten. I don't care if people mourn for me, but I don't want to be forgotten. I can live forever so long as people remember me...

Also, I want to be returned to the earth in this cycle of life idea so that I can use a Walt Whitman quote I love so much as an epitaph :

I depart as air—I shake my white locks at the runaway sun;

...

I bequeathe myself to the dirt, to grow from the grass I love;

If you want me again, look for me under your boot-soles.

...

Failing to fetch me at first, keep encouraged;

Missing me one place, search another;

I stop somewhere, waiting for you.

At this point, it's either post or go back to sleep.

2011-12-18T20:34:00.000-05:00

Pretzels, Hummus, Veggie Burger.

I went to the gym today. And I actually did work out for once too, which surprises me. Before quidditch, I almost never got any exercise. It's good to have a motivation.

On the other hand, my arms are really tired now.

OH! I found the coolest thing ever at my gym. We have a continuous rock wall. It's this machine, maybe twice as tall as I am, and it rotates the wall around to simulate rock climbing without you ever getting very far off the ground. It's so much fun!

I'm home for three weeks and I can't come up with anything interesting to do D: ...
I need some good music to listen to - what music do people listen to nowadays?

To Hold or Too Holed?

2011-12-18T02:54:00.000-05:00

I think that one of the most consistent things our brain likes to do to us is remind us of the good things we give up for one reason or another.
Unfortunately, it seems like we tend to remember the things we've given up when we realize we still haven't replaced the empty space we created. When we have something to fill the void things seem a lot less vacuous then when you've got a big hole and you can't seem to fill it.

Sometimes, it's hard to live with your actions, even if you think that you had a good reason for the things you've done, simply because you miss the idea of having. We do so much just to have. Utilitarianism would say that we act to bring ourselves pleasure, but I think we act in order have things. We act in order to collect all the pieces we still need.
It's like everybody is trying to solve a jigsaw puzzle, but nobody has the pieces.

I thought there was a girl I liked at RIT, but it turns out she was a cold, bitter person at heart. Incidentally, if you ever like someone, never let yourself see them drunk. People tell the truth when they're drunk, and when it comes down to the truth of the matter, it seems like most people are assholes.

It's frustrating that I haven't really found anyone I'm too terribly interested in at RIT yet. It makes me feel a little...hollow. Does that make sense? I almost miss the emotional tumult of high-school romance (hah). At least then something happened. Right now I just feel like I'm sitting in the desert waiting for high tide to come in.

(Even the desert needs the rain.)

Production Value

2011-11-04T01:14:00.000-04:00

     I'm really glad I brought my old notebooks to college with me. Of all the things I packed they were definitely just a last minute thought, but reading through them tonight (this morning?) at 1AM because I don't feel like sleeping...well...they make me smile. I really miss writing, and I'm kind of sad I haven't had the chance to get any done since I got here what with all the non-stop flow of work that I've got rushing at me. That being said, I went and used the little Amazon credit to buy this:

(I'm hoping I'm not going to have any major layout issues for stacking to pictures like this...)

     The one thing that struck me the most, and the one thing I've realized in the past hour that I've been up reading instead of down sleeping, is that I really miss making connections with people. All the major connections I made were just pulled up and I completely relocated myself. Some of my best work came from when I was heartsick or feeling overly romantic, and I don't even feel like I've made any connections like that. I mean, even the girl from down the hall, well, I barely know her. I don't know what she likes, I don't know what she does besides the one or two things I've talked to her about, heck - I don't even remember what color her eyes are...
     I miss connecting with people. I mean really connecting. The thing is, around here we've only known each other for a few months, and everything just feels so much more guarded. People just don't open up like they did in high school -

I guess we're growing up. Isn't that depressing?

OhHeyWow I haven't seen one of these in a while (be kind, I'm rusty):

You know, there are reasons why I don't wish on stars anymore.

I just don't trust myself -

I just don't trust that I really want

Whatever dreams my heart has worked so hard to make.

I don't trust that I could be so wise

To see through galaxies and mysteries

And every pretty face I come by.

I want to hope and wish for love - like - romance -

Whatever kids are calling it nowadays.

But I'm too held up by my own misgivings.

I'm tied up in my own head

Trapped between wants and desires

And every gorgeous smile I see

There are reasons why I put stars up in my sky.

Reasons why I tape little suns to the inside of my head.

I'm just too caught up in my own existence

To realize that instead of wishing for lights

I could be out catching fireflies.

There are reasons why I don't wish on stars anymore,

But I still wish I could.

Hugs...for the love of god, hugs....

2011-10-27T23:10:00.000-04:00

Is it weird that I'm emotional?
The girl from down the hall is studying in the lounge right across from my room, and it makes me so angry. So angry with myself because I don't want to have to do this all over again - I can't make myself want to put so much effort into someone I like, is that so wrong? Am I supposed to like it every time I have feelings for someone and there's nothing I can do about it?
But no, no, no, no. This is why I'm angry, because I don't want to constantly think about these things any more. I don't want to feel alone, but you know what? Even if I was completely alone I wouldn't feel lonely. The minute I have feelings for someone though, it all comes rushing back. I'm not lonely because I'm alone, I'm lonely because it's the only way I can process my feelings and it pisses me the hell off.

This here though, what I wrote just above this line, this is why I'm angry. I'm mad at myself because this isn't the kind of person I want to be anymore. I don't want to be so overly emotional because it makes me feel weak and vulnerable and I feel just so utterly stupid for even typing these lines out, but I won't let myself take the alternative and keep it all locked up. I'm so pathetic that I keep getting up and looking through the eye-hole in my door to see if she's still out there, and you know what? Every time I do, she's still there, and I'm still angry with myself for being so weak.

Weak. I want to use a different word. I don't think my emotions make me weak, but when I think about why I'm so angry with myself it's the only thought that I can pull out. I feel weak. I was talking to Kate about her a few days ago, and I said that this girl was out of my league. How is she out of my league?
She's out of my league because. That, and she's probably not interested, and I'm too tired to try and change her mind. Those days are over - it's too hard to change someone's mind. I'm angry with myself because I don't want to try anymore, even though I know that if I try I'll only end up hating myself for it in the future.

Frank Warren from PostSecret came to my school. Go to http://www.rit.edu/studentaffairs/cab/postsecret/. Read some of the secrets people sent in. I wish I could be that open. I wish I could be so powerful, but I'm too much of a coward to open up to anyone who knows me in real life. I'm too afraid that if I open up to people they won't want to have anything to do with the person I really am.

And it's scary.

Even writing this was hard enough, and I know that barely anyone will see it. In putting down these lines I'm more worried about what you will think about me than my own emotions, and it makes me so angry. My parents raised me not to care about what other people think, but you know what? I do. I am completely terrified that people judge me every day. I'm frozen in place when I should be acting on my feelings because I don't want to risk that the consequences of my bravery will only make me feel like a coward.

At the same time, I hope that someone I know will figure me out.
Does that make sense?

It doesn't to me.

So, instead of spending time with someone else tonight, I'm hiding within myself, because I'm too tired to try and think about what people think of me.
And I want her. I want her so bad but I can't break past the thought that I'm just not good enough.
I don't think I have what it takes, and I know I don't have the strength to change her mind. I used to think I was strong enough to do that, but I can't anymore. I can't open myself up because I want to change. All this here, I don't want to be all of this anymore. I want to be the calm, logical, strong, dapper man I came to college to be, but in the end I'm still just a kid. I'm still the same immature weakling I was five months ago. The only thing that's changed is now I need to be an adult, and I'm not -

And that's the hardest part.

Good things come, eventually...

2011-10-24T14:10:00.001-04:00

It's hard to think about your future and your present at the same time. Sometimes planning for the future is just easier than living stuck in the now. I was invited to two parties Saturday night - two college parties - and you know what I did? I stayed in my room instead of going out. I thought about going out, and I decided I was too tired to try to deal with social stigma to go out.
I know I used to make a big deal about being alone or feeling lonely. Well I've been feeling a little lost in a sea of people here sometimes. There are so many different faces and then there's just me, and for a while I felt really lonely, and I kept trying to look for someone. I just got sick of being bummed though - I have to worry about other things than feeling lonely. More important things.
So I had the two parties I was invited to, and I decided I would rather not go, because I knew that if I went I would spend the entire time thinking about being with someone. I would spend the entire time worrying about how I was supposed to act, how people wanted me to act, how I had to act if I wanted to meet someone. I was just so sick of social stigma and fed up with trying to find someone to be with that I realized it was easier to just forget about that sort of thing. I just need to stop living in the now. I decided that I'll just know when it's time to start looking again - that instead of always worrying about it I'll just let things come as they want.

I think I'm distracting myself from the present by focusing on the future - does that seem selfish?
I would rather plan everything out. I like it when everything is nicely squared and plotted, it feels safer. I'm trying to be more professional. I'm building a polished web page. I'm in the process of getting a set of purchasing a set of official business cards from my college. I'm even trying to dress nicer. And, sure enough, it feels fulfilling. I may be avoiding the now by living through the future, but it feels better.

College seems to be going well, however. Proof of Purchase, the acapella group I'm a part of, had a performance last weekend. I had a solo and everything:

And then there was the time I wrote the entire last page of The Great Gatsby on someone's white board:

I register for my second quarter classes tomorrow morning...
The first quarter ends in three weeks, and my last final is a week before Thanksgiving. I can't wait to go home for a little while. I miss a lot of people. I also miss my old bed, but my old bed was perfect, so it's understandable.

Have you ever thought about what song you could see playing in the background of your life if you were a movie?

Last week I opened up a fortune cookie, and there wasn't any fortune inside...

Cereal, No Milk.

2011-08-29T08:08:00.001-04:00

Move in day was yesterday. I'm here, I'm confused, and I'm just a little bit excited.
First morning experience was a little frustrating - I have a box of cheerios (I love cheerios, I could marry cheerios and have a happy relationship with cheerios until I die. Seriously.), but I have no milk.
...
No milk.
But hey, I think, this is college, and there's a general store no more than a five minutes walk from my dorm, right? So I put on a pair of sandals and go out for milk in my PJ's. Go college.
I get there, however, and they don't open until 11 in the morning...
Why did I wake up at 7AM again?

Move in was pretty hectic, but I think we got most of it finished without to big a hitch. Some orientation stuff was left in my dad's car, but I think I can get it replaced (hopefully). My computer is up and running, my room is in order, and I have a wonderful piece of artwork hanging on my door:

My dorm is still a bit messy right now, still haven't found a place for everything and all that. We're going on an adventure today - the orientation gods are sending us to a ropes course. This should be interesting.
Last night they had a big "Welcome to the honors college" party, which included karaoke, so naturally I dove right in. Broke the ice too - first song sung. Before I left the party I rickrolled everyone, so I think people know me now. Hopefully I made more friends than enemies.

Oh well. I can't eat breakfast in my room today, so I guess I'll just head over to Gracie's (the mess hall).
Still not used to the whole college thing...

1108 - The end of an era.

2011-07-07T09:05:00.001-04:00

That's it. Caput. All done.
I graduated two weeks ago. It's crazy, it's it?
7 weeks and 2 days till I move out. It's mind bogging.

Well, it's summer, and I've got a job. Lazy-butt me has a job. It's awesome, but it means that I don't typically have the time I used to. (Because in school I would just use this as an excuse to not do homework). Also I come home too tired to come up with content.

So, at least for the summer, we're going to take a break from blogger, with the occasional extraneous post.
On the other hand, I still Tumbl, because it takes a lot less energy to come up with random posts for Tumblr. If you want to keep up, it's the same name as always - mealofstones.tumblr.com
Also, if you look to the left, you'll see a link in my blog list.

Hopefully this wont just fade away. Especially since the archives are monumentally important to my project. They're my past, and I can't let them just disappear.

Alright, I should be working right now. Bye for now!

Controlled Deconstruction

2011-06-18T17:02:00.000-04:00

My computer parts should be arriving on Monday, so I've been pulling apart all the files on my computer, figuring out what I'm keeping, what I'm getting rid of, and what I'd completely forgotten I had.

I've had my current computer for nearly four years now, so the amount of files I'd built up, and the amount bizarre crap I found has baffled me. I found music I forgot I liked, reports I wrote years ago, movies I never watched, photos I thought I lost.

Wait, Photos! I forgot!

So, every year I do this big photo print to put in my photo album because I have an eidetic memory, but I still forget things because ADD tends to muddle the focus you need to remember things. So I keep the photo album so I don't forget the people important to me. Right now I've got ninety photos, and I'm trying to track down the people I need photos of because, well, I need photos of them...

Rocky Horror live was today, and it went surprisingly well. The audience loved the mistakes we made, so I guess everybody won. Here are photos of me as Eddie and Dr. Scott:

If you haven't seen Rocky Horror Picture Show before, you are a sheltered child who is missing out on one of the greatest gifts mankind has ever received. Go watch it. Right now. I'll even stop the post here so you won't be distracted.

Oh Dear...

2011-06-14T16:50:00.000-04:00

Wow...it's finally over. Four years and it's over. It's such a mind-job. Really, it's absolutely mind blowing...

Oh, to the few of you readers who know me on FB and want an honorary addition to the signatures in my yearbook, just message me and I'll write in in for you. This goes for all my peeps in Sewickley!
And you Kate! And Strawberryfantastic and Reno and my friends from VA BEACH, VA (The only city deserving of all caps).

God, it's really over, isn't it.
10 weeks and 4 days until I move out for college. We have a countdown going on the chalkboard in our kitchen.
Actually, now would be a good time to mention that I have a chalkboard in my kitchen:

The countdown is on the right side. The stairs on the left go up to my room which you will never, ever see. Not until it's clean again, anyways...

I placed the order for the parts I need to build my college pc. It's very exciting. This is the case:

She really is one sexy beast of a computer. I'm going to have to think up a good name...

God, I can't believe I'm about to go off to college...
OH! So, my mom bought some bubbles for the summer, and they've got this reeaaaaally long wand, so I went bike riding and then just held the wand out next to me and the bubbles it made were HUGE. I was all like "WHOA, THE BUBBLES THIS BUBBLE WAND IS MAKING ARE HUGE". I didn't have someone to take the photo for me, though, so there aren't any photos of the event...

I love this music video. It was really well done:

2011-06-13T20:52:00.001-04:00

Now that's just depressing. I can't decide what's worse, the look of the tree or the fact that it was only just put out on the curb today...Some people, huh?

I want this car. If I don't get some fancy green-mobile I want one of the old VW Bugs. So, so much.

I've been working on Appolonian Gaskets ever since I saw this video by Vihart. This is my current one:

Oh, and my mayonnaise lies to me:

Please, mayonnaise, I know quality, and you're not it. Quality is John and Hank Green, Charlieissocoollike, The Blues Brothers, The Magic Schoolbus, XKCD, Firefly, the list goes on, but not Mayo.

School's almost over, which is a bit of a mind meld, since it's my last day of high school tomorrow. Ever.
It's odd to think about how much I'm actually going to miss high school. It was a lot of fun, while it lasted...

I kissed her today.
Happy times.

2011-06-11T01:10:00.001-04:00

I walked in my city's Relay for Life tonight. It was nice, calming, refreshing. I sang as well, with my school's a capella group. We sang "Not Alone" by Daren Criss and it was lovely and awesome and kaboom. If someone posts a video I'll link to it. They gave out glow-sticks and there were balloons, and I came up with this contraption:

When not tied down it flies away :D
Also, I think I have a new girlfriend. Happy times. Happy times indeed.

So, with some luck I managed to catch a southwestern wind, and I sent off the balloons in the general direction of Pennsylvania:

Happy birthday Natalie! Here's hoping the balloons make it to Sewickley!

It's a poem! Haven't written one of these in a while...

2011-06-06T21:23:00.001-04:00

Sleep, sleep,
The little imp that snatches out the light.
Sleep that comes and sleep that takes away.
Sleep that cloaks and drags us down below.
Sleep in shadow, sleep in moonbeams.
Sleep that stoppers throats and sews shut eyes.
Sleep, sleep,
Sleep that the day may come.

2011-06-05T09:37:00.003-04:00

I went on a Sunday morning bike ride, and I took my camera with me for the first fifteen minutes:

Song: Je T'adore by The Figgs

I'm working at Lena's this afternoon for a BellyDancer show. This ought to be interesting...

2011-06-03T20:40:00.001-04:00

This is what I did instead of writing a post or doing homework today:

The song is Step Back Let's Go Pop by The Figgs. The movie was shot in beautiful, scenic, My Hometown USA.

Also, someone leaked the new Owl City album. Gotta say, I'm digging it.
I really liked the whole stop motion biking thing, but if I want to do a better job I need to find a way to stabilize the camera and I need to get a bigger memory card because 2GB only got me a minute of footage...ah, so many things to improve...

2011-06-02T17:55:00.000-04:00

"Sometimes we forget ourselves, in the end..."

This is me not trusting a gnome that wandered into my backyard. Trespassing gnomes are a serious problem people! Look into it's eyes. Pure evil right there, and there's no denying it. Garden Gnome Evil: it's the worst kind of evil in the world. Gnomes have hearts of absolute blackness - there's no shred of goodness in them.

Oh, I'm back at my dad's house, so here's today's fortune:

And I guess the way that I want to take this is that you should focus on your strengths rather than your flaws, and I think that's actually very good advice nowadays where size and smarts and suave are so important to society. A brilliant man once told me, "The world just needs smart people doing smart things. It doesn't matter what you are or how good you are at it - all that matters is that you're doing it. " And I really think it's an important lesson in a society where everything we do is defined by the deeds of others. It's hard too, focusing on your strengths and gifts rather than your weaknesses...
I aid the confirmation class at my temple and we recently proposed an exercise to the kids in the class:

"Close your eyes and inflect. Try to think of as many of your gifts as you can. Not superficial gifts, but real gifts, raw talents, strong attributes. Try to think of six good things your best friend would say about you, no kidding. When you're done, write them all down."

It's hard, isn't it? I had kids ask several times if they could just list everything they wanted to improve on, all their bad traits - "It's so much easier to list all the things I don't like about myself". We live in a society that's all about being better, always forward, all go, go, go. Never stop, never think, never be happy with who you are right now, because you can always be better...
Maybe that's not the point though. Maybe life isn't about being better, about improving every little bad thing we see in ourselves, maybe it's just about being happy with who you are? But that's heresy, of course. Who could ever be happy until they're size 0, gorgeous, have an IQ of 240, and have all the respective prospective mates fawning over their sexy genius-ness. I kid, of course, that's ridiculous, preposterous, outrageous, and heck, just downright stupid.

Why shouldn't we be happy with the exact person we are at any given moment? Why should we care about our faults instead of enjoying our strengths? Screw society, you're perfect at exactly what you do, because you're the best damn person for the job.

That being said, I've noticed over time that the same traits I begrudge in myself I now detest in others...I guess it's almost a double standard, maybe a little hypocritical, but whenever I see someone who's stubborn, loud, presumptuous, talkative, impulsive, fat, lazy, etc. (The list went on for a while, actually, but I cut it short...it's those damn limitations overshadowing my talents again)...I guess part of it is that I don't want people to make the same mistakes I make, but then, the best way to teach the world is to first teach yourself. As Gandhi put it, "You must be the change you wish to see in the world. "
But ah, changing is so hard...

Still, we should try to care less about the shortcomings in our life. Yes, working to better yourself is a good thing: I don't want to seem like I'm saying that it's not, but maybe we care too much. Maybe we should focus on being the best at the things we're best at. But then, I don't, so I guess I have a lesson to learn before I try to teach the world...

2011-05-28T08:53:00.003-04:00

Last night I went to Temple. See, the Rabbis were out of town because their son is graduating from Brown University, and they needed people to volunteer to lead services, so we offered to help. Now, I know I have vehemently denounced religion in the past, but honestly, aside from extremists that force their beliefs on others or turn to violence, I don't really have a problem with religion. Okay, now I have to correct that: I don't have a problem with religion until someone's beliefs interfere with something they shouldn't - like politics or education. Especially politics...

But it was nice, it was communal and social and warm and friendly and I don't regret that I spent my Friday night at services. Not one bit.

I think this might be in part due to my overload of women's pants sorting, but I keep thinking about hips...Hips are sexy. Not any particular kind of hips - slim or curvy will do, but being able to slide your arm around someone's waist - it's pretty hot, at least to me...

So, a bit about the picture. I actually picked this one because of John Green's video, talking a bit about how we're all here now but we're all going to be replaced by the constant flow of the future rushing past us. The metaphor also reminded me of the last passage of The Great Gatsby (also one of John Green's favorites (this is actually worth reading)):

"Most of the big shore places were closed now and there were hardly any lights except the shadowy, moving glow of a ferryboat across the Sound. And as the moon rose higher the inessential houses began to melt away until gradually I became aware of the old island here that flowered once for Dutch sailors’ eyes—a fresh, green breast of the new world. Its vanished trees, the trees that had made way for Gatsby’s house, had once pandered in whispers to the last and greatest of all human dreams; for a transitory enchanted moment man must have held his breath in the presence of this continent, compelled into an æsthetic contemplation he neither understood nor desired, face to face for the last time in history with something commensurate to his capacity for wonder.
And as I sat there, brooding on the old unknown world, I thought of Gatsby’s wonder when he first picked out the green light at the end of Daisy’s dock. He had come a long way to this blue lawn and his dream must have seemed so close that he could hardly fail to grasp it. He did not know that it was already behind him, somewhere back in that vast obscurity beyond the city, where the dark fields of the republic rolled on under the night.
Gatsby believed in the green light, the orgastic future that year by year recedes before us. It eluded us then, but that’s no matter—tomorrow we will run faster, stretch out our arms farther. . . . And one fine morning——

So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past."

We all think about the past as a collective of people, and we only isolate a few choice souls from the swath of memories that decorate the history books in our minds. Thing is, that's how the future is going to look back at us - we're all the nameless face of the past. Dim eyes that forever stare into the future, just a memory of the era that once was. We'll all just end up as someone else's little pieces. Little pieces to one day be lost like a jigsaw puzzle in your attic.
I guess I'm trying to inspire you to one of two things: I'm either trying to inspire you to greatness - to stand out from the rest of the past, or to live for yourself.
To quote that random poem they use in Dead Poet's Society:

"Gather ye rosebuds while ye may,
Old Time is still a-flying:
And this same flower that smiles to-day
To-morrow will be dying."

And it's supposed to be a reference to "Carpe Diem" even though Robert Herrick was really just trying to tell women that beauty is fleeting and they should flaunt it while they've got it...

But yeah, Carpe Diem. Sieze the day. Live for yourself because years from now when you're just another piece of the past you don't want to have regrets. Be the boat that beats against the current, because, well, you're human, and that dogged determination is exactly what defines your humanity.

I think I lost my point somewhere along the line here...quick recap:
Dying flowers, constantly drifting into the past, fighting the current, living for yourself, and hips are sexy.

Yup, that's about it.

2011-05-27T17:46:00.004-04:00

Today was senior give back day - my group went to the Salvation Army to help sort clothes, completely unaware of the denim jungle that awaited us there. What we were told was "sorting clothing" was really an entire room filled with mislabeled boxes of jeans. In three hours we sorted out all the guys jeans (which really only took us, like, one hour) and then learned how girl's jeans are sized (or, in my case, didn't). After three hours we finished up, we packed all the boxes back into the trouser tangle, and our faculty supervisor, who happened to be the superintendent of the district, took us to Stewart's for ice cream. :D

We then walked from the Salvation Army back to school, where we ate lunch that was supposed to be free but wasn't, and then I sat through twenty minutes of The Dead Poets Society after which:

Springfest!

See, our school has the general equivalent of a field day every year after Senior Give Back Day, which involves bouncy bounces and sno cones and dunk tanks and water slides, and it's a grand old time. Today I took on my sister's boyfriend in a bouncy bouncy boxing match (video footage exists, you will see the conquest), I was dunked twice in the dunk tank, once by a teacher, I then ran around getting people wet by hugging them, and after that I decided I was already soaking wet so I went on the water slides in my street clothes, and it was absolutely wonderful. Absolutely. Wonderful. Trust me, you guys missed out :D

Then I got home and passed out because I was ridiculously tired...

Oh, and last night I learned Talking Bird by Death Cab for Cutie on the ukulele, and this is what it sounded like with my out-of-tune uke and my white boy rhythm:

Just download and play at your leisure.

It doesn't help that I got one of the lyrics wrong either...

2011-05-26T18:30:00.001-04:00

Today I selected 20 photos for my official portfolio. You can check it out at :

https://picasaweb.google.com/ibanner56/Portfolio?authkey=Gv1sRgCNHHs66b4fOy5gE&feat=directlink

Aaaand that's about all for today. Let me know what you think I guess. Or go back a post or something if you missed yesterday...

Oh, and:

2011-05-25T22:51:00.002-04:00

I can't keep going on like this. I'm running out of philosophy, especially when all my fortune cookies are at my Dad's while I'm at my Mom's...

Today it was actually really nice out - there was warm sun and a gentle breeze and it was quite lovely, actually...I would have taken a picture but my camera's battery is still f'kafka, which is yiddish for kaput. I should probably get on charging that, but I probably wont...

I watched a movie loosely based on Tales From Earthsea by Ursula K. Le Guin, which is a great series, by the way. It was a ghibli film, which naturally meant they did a damn good job on it, and I loved it yes I did...

In more media news, I also got my hands on a leak of Death Cab For Cutie's new album "Codes and Keys", which I am really enjoying. I never really got into their older stuff, but anything by Death Cab from Photo Album onward I have absolutely adored...

I left my phone in Temple on Sunday, and aside from switching to an old Compact Disk player (you know, compact disks, the shiny circles your grandparents used to cast spells with - seriously archaic technology folks) I didn't really change my lifestyle at all...I find a little pride in that. I'm not tethered, although I am if I want to be...I guess it's just that not being constantly connected doesn't bother me as much as I thought it would...

Maybe that's a test worth giving yourself - lose your phone for a few days. Don't actually lose it, just take the battery out, hide it amongst underwear and socks and bras (if you've got 'em anyways), and then forget about it. Well, try to forget about it. It's a little refreshing not to care about texts or emails or facebook or little glowing demonic screens that are taking over our lives...Ok, maybe that's an exaggeration, but it's interesting to see how you yourself would react to suddenly being cut off from the world's technology...I still keep most of my posts in paper format, at least the ones I plan ahead anyways, so I don't think suddenly only having the paper would matter...but then, without technology we wouldn't even have paper or lights or writing implements or clothes...huh, the stuff is everywhere, isn't it...

Oh, and this is what New York City looks like from the top of the MET:

Pretty huh? That green things are called trees, if you've been looking at your computer screen for too long to remember...Incidentally the MET looks right out over central park, so the view isn't blocked by anything, and it's actually almost gasp-worthy when you first get out there...you wouldn't want to gasp though - you're in NYC, the air isn't exactly clean...

2011-05-24T19:13:00.002-04:00

I was reading over the comments on yesterdays post when I saw one from EmmaDillema, which lead to me looking at her page, which made me think of Robert Frost, and that's where I'm starting today.

I thought about how I wanted to be like Robert Frost. His last words weren't as brilliant as I had hoped ("I don’t go to church, but I look in the window."), but the words he had on his tombstone really echoed the kind of person that shone through in his work. I want to have that same aura of connectedness with nature, I want to have the kind of literary legacy that draws acclaim from literary's and librarians and teachers alike.

And it made me think about how we all want to be like the people we admire...we want to be like the people we admire and respect because we ourselves inherently want the same admiration and respect - we want to be that person who rose from nothing to be something. Heck, we want to be the people who were born at the top and had something-ness dropped into their lap. And while it seems a little mean to say that most humans are inherently selfish, when I tried to come up with some desire I had that wasn't self serving, I came across a different revelation: It's easier to think of the things you don't want...

I mean, think about it for a while. When you first get started, it's easy to think about the things you want. You rattle off the instant gratification first, then you move to long term goals, hopes and dreams, but it doesn't last forever. Your hopes and dreams aren't bottomless.
If I asked you to make a list of all the things you don't want, it's easy. I can make a big list of all the diseases I never want to contract, all the jobs I never want to get stuck with, all animals I don't want as pets (anything other than a panda fits on that list, incidentally). I can go on and on forever because it's much easier to identify the things I don't want in my life, be it cancer, sunburn, or a bengal tiger...it's just easier. I guess we already have so much of what we want that at some point we run out of things we want, and so we have to switch to the things we don't want.

What about the man who has everything he'll ever want? I bet he just thinks about what he doesn't want...

I think it goes back to being inherently selfish, although I don't think not wanting to get cancer is a bad kind of selfish...I should point out that there are many kinds of selfish that aren't bad at all. Wanting more money so you can have and support kids - that's selfish, but not in a bad way. Not wanting your significant other to contract any nasty STD's so that you can still have crazy sex - also selfish, also not that bad. Wanting your boss to get fired so that you can move in on his position? Bad selfish.

Maybe it's just the way I define selfish (inherently self-serving, whether direct or indirect), but it seems like all we do are selfish things. I also think, however, that selfish acts are a little like cholesterol - there are good kinds and bad kinds, and too many of the bad kind can get you killed...

I can tell you one thing I wish, I wish I had spent more time on Robert Frost in this post...pity...

I think that being generous to help yourself isn't a bad kind of selfish...doing something to help you get ahead is a good selfish if you're helping someone else along the way...as my economics teacher would put it, "A rising tide raises all boats"...maybe all the world needs is a bunch of people using good selfish acts instead of bad ones. There's no issue in thinking about yourself, but thinking about others along the way makes thinking about yourself completely fine.
Although, we seem to be forgetting about the good selfish, and we seem to be spending too much time on the bad selfish...that's no way to become someone other people will admire. That's no way to become the person other people want to be - at least, it shouldn't be, but again, this damn day and age can't seem to get anything right...

("I had a lover’s quarrel with the world." - Robert Frost, Tombstone)

2011-05-23T20:25:00.001-04:00

So I read Looking For Alaska again on the bus down and back from NYC, and it reminded me how much I love that book. I'm pretty sure it's the only book that's ever gotten an actual emotional response from me, all the way to the sour feeling you get in your stomach when you're sad...

It made me think about my favorite last words ("I must go in, the fog is rising." - Emily Dickenson), but it also made me think about losing things we love, from memories to experiences to people, music, places, or even the flowers in spring. As people we all deal with our losses differently, and it goes back to the little pieces, and our symphony of humanity, and Margo Roth Speigleman's little strings inside of all of us.

But life is loss, isn't it? It's not always the really sad losses: sometimes it's the happy losses, losing your room at home to go and live in a room four hours from home (again, college, sneaking up so quickly).
The one biggest piece of advice I have for some people is to never lose track of who they are. It's one thing to lose track of other people or other things, but to look back at the path you tread and realize you've completely lost yourself along the way - that's just awful...

We never stop starting. We go and go and go and go until we're all spent and worn and weary, but we think we're happy because we think we've accomplished something. Maybe it's not about accomplishing something, maybe life isn't about doing something great, maybe life is just about being and holding dear the things you love because losing track of who we are and the things we love can easily be undone - it takes time.

Maybe we spend so much time running because we think we're trying to escape. Escape some inevitable fate, some final word on a marble tablet, some final confrontation with an enemy unseen and intangible. I think we all want to believe we've accomplished something by the time we finally bite the dust, but maybe that's not important.

Maybe the easiest way to do something is to stay human: Love, Laugh, Sing, Dream. Be so happy with who you are and where you are and who's there with you, so that when you face death you don't have to wish you'd done more. ("Go on, get out - last words are for fools who haven't said enough." - Karl Marx)

I think we spend so much time trying to do something that we lose track of our humanity.
(“I mean, at some point you gotta stop looking up at the sky or one of these days you’ll look back down and see that you floated away, too.” - Paper Towns, John Green)

I'd like to think that I haven't lost track of myself, but it's so easy, isn't it?

Here, shy walrus will cheer you up:

2011-05-16T21:06:00.000-04:00

Well, it's Monday, and there's really only one thing that can make a Monday worse and-

Oh no...no...aw, that's just depressing, isn't it? That's our skyline. For three days now. And if the weather report was correct, it's the exact level of sunlight I have to look forward to for the rest of the week. Goody goody goody.

In other news, I started an album of fortune cookie pictures on the ever present onmifaceted demigod behemoth that is facebook titled "Fortune Cookies That Don't Suck", and this was the first one up:

Fingers courtesy of Isaac Banner. All rights reserved.
As Lizzie put it, "That's one smart cookie. (I couldn't resist.)"
Luckily, I have a massive stockpile of fortune cookies waiting to be broken to pieces and, until they get stale, to be mercilessly devoured, munched, nommed, and picked at. There is (are) good fortune(s) in my future.

I put a lot of time into the music map today, and I have all the animation figured out. All that's left is to set up the framework to make the actual music work...which is kind of the point of the whole project, so until I get that I'm pretty much just treading water, but I'm not going anywhere...

[Music]....

2011-05-15T14:55:00.000-04:00

I'm too much of a square not to go to prom. That's me in the middle with the lazy-scruff on my face.

The prom itself was fun. We really got dancing. After-party at Alex's house was very sweet. Involved burritos and muffins and unfortunately a lost memory card that was supposed to be in Kurkle's (far right) camera...sad face.

In other news, I'm working on a flash project to map out the far reaches on each side of the spectrum of my music tastes. It should be fun.

2011-05-14T11:03:00.001-04:00

Roman Colosseum, just in case you didn't recognize it.

Prom is tonight. Fun and fun. And Rocky Horror Rehearsal is today, which is also fun. Unfortunately, the weather isn't smiling upon us, which is less fun, but we live in the godless north, so we're used to it.

Yesterday was the "senior service" at my temple, where all the graduating seniors in our congregation come to temple and look all special for a night...It was just another reminder that I'm going off to college in four months...dear god this is coming up quickly...

In other news, I'm watching the newest Harry Potter movie on DVD. I love Harry Potter....something else that's ending far too quickly...

2011-05-11T18:15:00.000-04:00

I had a self-aware dream last night. My dream self was trying to escape from my ream, but it was also trying to break some other girl in my dream out as well. The funny this that happened was that my dream self helped the girl escape from my dream first, which made me wake up. I then promptly thought "Oh no...I'm still trapped in there..." At which point I immediately went back to sleep, my dream self broke out of my dream, and I woke up five minutes after I went back to sleep...

Huh...

2011-05-10T16:26:00.001-04:00

Considering that my AP's are over (well, there not over, but I only have Economics left, and that is a joke), I've been watching House from the very beginning. Woo boy, this is fun.

I miss snail mail...

2011-05-09T19:36:00.000-04:00

I've been trying to play Portal 2, unfortunately I am terrible at video games. It just doesn't go smoothly.

AP Exams are quickly strutting out the door (and boy, do I wish the door hits them on the way out). One last exam and I'm free until finals (which are fast approaching...ohgod...)

By the way, this isn't just any random pigeon, it's an Italian pigeon. Guess what I did over spring break :3?

2011-05-08T21:48:00.004-04:00

One of the strangest things is when you realize everything you know...

(I'm going to give this a run. I've got a lot of photographs from my portfolio to show off, and that's much easier to manage on a schedule).